Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See?

Brown Bear Brown Bear What Do You See? is a favorite book of ours. Sommer loves sitting down and reading books - especially when she can read them too. We often hear her reading to her babies or by herself on the couch. Her voice is beautiful and I never get tired of hearing her read. She is precious. We love her!

Faithful

Faithful: Steven Curtis Chapman

I am broken, I am bleeding,
I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
'Cause You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
'cause You are faithful.
Yes You are faithful.
I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
'casue You are faithful.
God You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.

So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...
Yes, You are faithful...
When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, oh, oh...
When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!
You are faithful!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...

...You're faithful...

A time for mourning and a time for dancing.

I have been wrestling with the thought of posting this blog but I have decided that I should. There are many people out there who have been praying for us and our journey of having another baby and I truly thank each one of you. I am sure this is going to be a long post because I have so much to tell you so bear with me.

Last month (end of January) we found out we were pregnant. After 13 months of trying you can imagine my excitement when I took my, what seemed like, 100th pregnancy test and saw a faint positive sign in the window. I called James right away and asked him to come home to reassure me that it was in fact positive. Unfortunately he wouldnt come back home as he was already in the city. I ran around looking at it in different light almost not believing what I was seeing. I told myself to calm down and call the doctor in the morning to get them to confirm it. I was on cloud nine as you can all imagine. The next morning I took another test at 6:00 am because I couldn't sleep. And again it was positive. I called the doctor and went into the lab for blood work and a urine test. I couldn't believe it and we were so excited! The lab didn't call back the next day and I was going frantic... maybe I was imagining the positive sign... maybe this was a dream! Finally 3 days later the doctors office called and confirmed the news - we were pregnant!

I phoned my sister right away and we screamed on the phone and laughed. What a great feeling it was to know that God does answer prayers. We kept playing phone tag with my parents and on the weekend we finally told them the good news, well Sommer did. We had bought her a t-shirt that said "I'm the BIG sister!" Of course my parents were so excited! We all were just so thankful. We had plans to tell James' parents the next weekend because we were going down for his sister's birthday and basketball game. I just hated keeping it a secret from family, especially when we had waited so long for this day.

That next Monday when I got home from gymnastics with Sommer I noticed some blood after I went to the bathroom. I reassured myself that spotting was normal in a pregnancy... many women spot in early pregnancy (or throughout their pregnancy) and are totally fine. But I just couldn't get those bad thoughts out of mind. I called my dad and told him to pray but also told reassured him that it was probably nothing to be nervous about. All night I was just sick thinking about the "what ifs" and I could hardly sleep. Tuesday morning I woke up and I was bleeding heavier. My heart sunk. I called the doctors office and they had me go to the ER but also told me there was probably nothing the doctors could do because I was just over 5 weeks. James and I went to the hospital and the whole time I was thinking "this can't be possible God. What are you doing to me?" It was almost like I was in a cloud or thick fog.

We got to the hospital around 11:00 am and luckily they got me right into a room to be examined. When I saw the amount of blood I was passing I knew it was over - I had lost the baby that I had waited 13 months to conceive. The doctors examined me and prepared us for the worst - which I knew was already happening. At 2:00 pm they got us in for an ultrasound. I lay there on the table while the tech said, "Congratulations on your pregnancy!" I couldn't even reply back to her and was almost in tears and wanted to yell at her to look at the paperwork and see why I am here... don't congratulate me on anything. She was quiet for the rest of the ultrasound. She was clicking the computer mouse and waving the probe over my belly - a belly that no longer would have a baby in it. When she was finished they sent us back to wait in a chair area until the doctor was ready for us.

After what seemed like hours the doctor arrived. He tried to find a private place to talk with us but there were no rooms available. So he pulled us over to the side of the hallway and told us that we were loosing the pregnancy. There in a cold hospital hallway my dreams were shattered and I felt broken... the unthinkable had happened to us. The doctor explained that I could have minor surgery (DNC) to remove what was left in my uterus or there was medication that I could take too. I didn't want anything - I just wanted that baby back. He left to go make arrangements to refer me to a specialist, which looking back now was a blessing but at the time I didn't think so. So there we sat, in a chair area of the hospital, numb and in disbelief. I was balling and just kept questioning why God would do this to me? I felt like He had played such a horrible joke on us. I just didn't understand it.

The OB/GYN came and talked to us. She examined me and felt that surgery and/or medication were not necessary because of the amount of blood I was passing. She told us how common it was for people to miscarriage. She also tried to make me feel better by saying that it wasn't a baby I had lost - rather a mass of cells that didn't properly align... like that would make me feel any better? To me it was our baby. To me it was a sibling for Sommer. To me it was my answer to prayers that we had been praying for over a year for. And it was gone. All gone.

We went home that night and I looked at Sommer. She was beautiful and funny and perfect. I knew God had blessed me by giving me her but I was still mad. Why had He given us this answer to prayers and then taken it away? I didn't and still don't understand... but I guess I am not suppose to. It just wasn't meant to be. We had told Sommer she was going to be a big sister and that Mommy had a baby in her tummy. I was dreading the moment when she would talk about the baby and we would have to explain it to her. And unfortunately that time came the next morning at breakfast. Sommer was eating her cereal with me and said "Mommy! You have a baby in your tummy!" And I replied with "No Sommy, that baby is no longer in my tummy... it's gone to be with Jesus." Just at that moment James came down the stairs and Sommer said to him "Daddy, Mommy's baby is not in her tummy. It lives with Jesus now." And that was it, to her in made perfect sense. A perfect example of having faith like a child.

So these past couple of weeks have been hard. I have had to wrestle with a lot of sadness and questions - questions I will not have answers for. Last week I went for an ultrasound to make sure there was no left over tissue in my uterus. I sat in the waiting room with all these pregnant women going for a glimpse or their babies. And I was going to confirm that there was no remaining pieces of mine. Life is just not fair.

So that is the sad part of the story. A story that I wish wouldn't have happened but now I am trying to move past. It still hurts writing this out and reliving the sad day. But I think it is healthy for me. I just couldn't keep it inside. For those of you who are reading this and feel hurt that I hadn't told you in person please don't be hurt. I just haven't been ready to talk about it out loud. But now I am. I am healing and have worked through the dark part of it. It is sad yes but I honestly have faith that God will teach me something through this horrible experience. He isn't through with me yet.

Last Monday I had an appointment with my doctor. The appointment had been booked for a couple of months and it was to get my referral sent to a fertility specialist. I went to the appointment and my doctor said she would send the referral but also told me to expect a long wait. While I was in that appointment my friend Joan called. Her daughter is the doctor I had been getting referred to. Joan was just calling to let me know she had talked to her daughter and that her daughter said that the wait list currently had 800+ women on it and the wait would be over 12 months. I was sad and felt so alone. Why can't I just be normal and get pregnant. And I didn't want to wait another 12 months to start testing! But I also knew there was nothing I could do about it... I would have to wait.

Yesterday I went to a follow up appointment with the specialist I had in the hospital. He was just going to review my ultrasound results from last Friday and let me know if everything was okay. I didn't want to go - I knew everything had been okay at the ultrasound but I still went. When I got to his office the receptionist informed me that Dr. G (the one I was suppose to meet) was out of the office but that another doctor (Dr. T) would review my results with me. I had brought all my past fertility charts with me for some unknown reason, I had just felt like I was suppose to bring them. After a couple of minutes they called my name and I went to the room with the nurse. Dr. T came in and introduced himself to me and said that he was covering Dr. G's patients for the day. He went on to tell me that my ultrasound came back clear and that all my levels had returned to normal. He then asked me if I was trying to get pregnant. I said "Yes, I have been trying for almost 15 months now and I feel like it has consumed my mind. It's all I think about and really all I want." I couldn't believe what Dr. T said next, he said "Oh really? I am a fertility doctor. That is all I do. I only work with people who are trying to get pregnant. If you are at the point of wanting help then I can help you?" My mouth almost hit the floor. I had just been told last week that I was on a waitlist with 800 people, to expect a year, but here I was meeting with a fertility specialist who by chance was covering the other doctors patients for the just that day. Within the next 15 minutes he told me the steps we were going to take, set up the test for James to take to see if everything was okay with him, and had me set up for my test that would tell him if everything was okay with me. He also discussed what would happen after those test results and said if everything came back clear he would start me on the treatments. JUST LIKE THAT! In a matter of one divine appointment I had just bypassed a year of waiting. GOD IS GOOD!

I am just in awe of how God works behind the scenes of our lives. From probably what was the worst experience of my life came a opportunity that could only have been crafted by God himself. If I had not miscarried, I would not have gone to the hospital, I would not have been seen by the on-call specialist, I would have not had an ultrasound, I would not have had an appointment with that specialist to review my results, I would not have had to meet with another doctor who was covering for that specialist, who happened to be a fertility doctor, who happened take me as his patient and help us get this process started this month - not in 14 months.

So that fills you in on what has happened in out lives this past month. It has been the hardest month I have had to go through but God didn't forget about us. At the end of it He gave us a reminder that He is in control. He really is... even when I doubt Him. We appreciate all your prayers and ask you to continue with them.